I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
