I can tuck mytits in my pants
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
