I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
