I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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