I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
