just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I love you. Go after that dick
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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