Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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