3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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