I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
