I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
