so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
