last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
