I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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