My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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