I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
