Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize