Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
