i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
