Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
