Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
