I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
