every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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