So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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