I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
A bitchslap is in order.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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