thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I feel great
I just peed on a car
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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