It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize