Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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