"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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