i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
