I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
