Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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