If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
