Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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