You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
