I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize