How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
