If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
