my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
