My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
