I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
meet me or not, i'm out of control
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
