I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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