If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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