He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
