my mouth tastes like poor choices
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
