I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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