i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
