she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
