oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
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