Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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