I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
