I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
