I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
