I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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