worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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