my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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