I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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