If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
