I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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