I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
