I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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