If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
