Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize